Global Awareness vs. Alcohol Abuse

You tell them, Mr. Fantasdick!

Before I report on all the rampant chicanery that has been afoot within the empire, I should like to, of course, note the special day of this post. Obviously it's Valentine's Day. In contrast to what most people believe, I absolutely love VD. Why, it's positively infectious! Honestly, I'll be celebrating VD with renewed vigor this year. We at the $tevil Empire hope that you all have a lovely VD. If you don't, just let me know and I'll be happy to help your VD in any way I can. It's like we always say around here on this day - VD: Spread The Love!

You know, today's not just a day where we celebrate love by buying overpriced confections for one another while exploring the many, multi-faceted ways of making light of Venereal Disease. No, today's celebrations are as multitudinous as a large box of chocolates. For instance, it's the birthday of not only 20/20 host, Hugh Downsyndrome (God dammit I wish that was his true name), but it's also the birthday of Frank Weller, the voice behind Megatron, Soundwave, Krulos: Lord of the Rulon Dino Riders, and of course Doctor Fucking Claw!! Actually, if his name was Doctor "Fucking" Claw, it would add a whole new element to Inspector Gadget... or should I say, Inspect-HER Gadget? Okay, I'll stop.

Finally, today we celebrate the admission of Oregon into these, our United States of America. For more about Oregon, specifically where to find the very best glory holes and most discreet public bath-houses, check out Warregon's site. There, now that we've gotten all of the references to past pop culture, questionable jokes about homosexuality and inappropriate comments about physical deformity out of the way, let's get on with the...

Shut The Fuck Up-dates

1. The Katy Going Away Party: In celebratory mourning (you know, like the Irish) of Katy's imminent departure (aka-$teve-0's least favorite day ever), we stuffed the insides of FRANK hard and full with all of our party members. Items of note:

• Katy's Drunken Stupor
• Sean's Face (stranger than usual)
• The Flip Cup Final: Team Britain vs. Team Mexico
• Rampant Kamikazes
• Katy's Drunken Stupor continuing unabated

In short, a fun time was had by all... especially Katy. Did I mention she was hammered? She's learned so much in the last 5 months. I just... I feel so proud. Many thanks to all who came in the spirit of the day, and to those that just really wanted to get drunk... Katy, I'm looking in your direction.

2. MERIP Event: On a completely different track, Katy and I attended her internship's fundraising event on Saturday. The Middle Eastern Research and Information Project (MERIP) is a non-governmental magazine devoted for the past 32 years to giving a true account of the Middle East with thoughtful analysis independent of the largely biased mainstream media. Katy's been interning with them ever since she's been here and has loved the experience thus far. The event held on Saturday took place at one of mine and Katy's favorite left-wing restaurants, Busboys and Poets. It was one of the coolest nights we've had, for the following reasons:

• Foodstuffs - The food was bangin' harder than your mom on coke. In the middle of the event hall, there was a table laden with Middle Eastern goodies. There was humous, tabouleh, falafel and soujouk (sausages that make Jimmy Dean look like a chump). They also had an open bar of beer and wine. That + Me = Happy.
• The Iron Sheik - Not to be confused with the professional wrestler of the same name, this Palestinian rapper dropped the hotness, spittin' fresh rhymes over dope beats, f'real. Word life, son. Honestly, dude was hilarious and actually had a lot of good things to say about the treatment of Palestine and the global misunderstanding about the Arab community. Plus he rapped about impeaching the fuck out of Bush, so he gets two very enthusiastic thumbs up from yours truly.
• Suheir Hammad - You might have seen this INCREDIBLE Brooklyn-born, Palestinian-American poet when you clicked past HBO's Def Poetry Jam in your seemingly endless search for soft-core porn on Cinemax, you fucking pervert. The Katy and I were lucky enough to not only watch her perform, but also to get a signed copy of her new book, Zaatar Diva, which is understandably getting rave reviews. I won't go into it too much because I'll sound cheesy, but this was by far one of the most riveting performances I've ever seen. Honestly, I don't remember being so rivetted. She was also really fucking cool and very down to earth. Check out her stuff, you won't be disappointed... unless you're an asshole.

So yeah, it was an amazing time. I'm kind of impressed we made it there and back, since it was potentially life-threatening outside, what with the falling snow, gale-force winds, thick ice and holographic lions. I swear to god, if I get attacked by one more animal magically comprised of mystic energy and futuristic technology, I'll... well, I don't know what I'll do, but it'll most likely be mildly annoying!! Fucking Visionaries, you know?

Well, that's it for now. So, until next time, I leave you with words once told me by a great and wise sage: "Most people think of their body as a temple, but I see mine as a dictionary. Just check out this definition."

Love,

$-0