Self(-ish) Promotion

Kind of like this, but less "African-American"
and more "biker chains and leather pants."

I would like to direct the first portion of this blog entry to a one Mr. Jamie Byng, head of Canongate Publishing in Edinburgh, Scotland. Let's do a bit of background, shall we? As some of you may know, I shall soon be departing these great States, United though they be, in favor of a second chance at a life in my beloved Scotland. With that in mind, daddy needs to, while living there, bring home the proverbial bacon... or, as the case may be, haggis.

So, being that I need a job in the coolest city in the world (narrowly beating out Mecha-tropolis: The Robot City of Tomorrow), I'd like to work for the coolest company in the world: Canongate, which just happens to have as a client the latest Booker Prize winner, Life of PI's Yan Martel (not to be confused with Rick "The Model" Martel), as well as my favorite author of all time, Mr. Alasdair Gray (not to be confused with "The Color" Gray). So I sent Mr. Byng a letter pleading and begging for a job - a letter that will most likely never make it to him. But, just in case he should happen upon it and decide to visit this site which I, some may say "foolishly," gave him, I should like to take this time to address and welcome him with the following, brief open letter:

Dear Mr. Byng,
First and foremost, welcome to The $tevil Empire. Secondly, may I say that I thoroughly enjoy the use of onomatopoeia in your last name. Fantastic. Thirdly, I was wondering if you have gotten a chance to look at my CV (that's resume to the Americans) and have yet decided whether or not to give an aspiring young gentleman a chance within your fine company. If you are still vacillating (Hey! Get your mind out of the gutter, everyone, it means "to waver." I mean come on, we have company present for fuck's sake!), then allow me to remind you of some of my finer qualities. For one, I am a very hard worker and am tirelessly dedicated not only to the production of Canongate's fine product, but also to the smiting of your enemies, be they personal or professional.

That's what you get when you invest in me as an employee: devotion, hours of hard work, attention to detail and a willingness to destroy the competition with a certain sense of, shall we say, "moral ambiguity." Sure you're getting a worker with a wide experience in writing and editing (both technical and otherwise) with a top-notch, award-winning record, but you're also obtaining a foot soldier willing to shuck the societal restraints of things like "law" and "human decency" in order to accomplish any goal you set for him.

Let me again remind you that I am legally allowed to work in Scotland (via the Fresh Talent: Working in Scotland Scheme) and am completely willing to have fingerprints and/or any other identifying marks removed so as to, of course, allow for more efficient acts of corporate espionage that you and Canongate may require. This is a very opportune time period for hiring me, since the funding for the programme on which I currently work no longer exists, and I will soon be sadly "stevunemployed." I am happy to supply you with ample references and writing samples at your request. Thank you very much for your time, Mr. Byng. I hope to hear from you soon.

Yours Sincerely,
Steve-0

PS - Honestly, everyone should check out Canongate.net. Their breadth is mind-boggling and Jamie Byng has really turned it around into THE premier publishing house in Scotland.

Now then, there is just one more, very important thing I'd like to address in this post, so I'll try and do so in short order with the following item:

"Hooked on a Feeling," by David Hasselhoff - In the vein of life-changing videos (like the one found HERE, on Mr. Mikey's oft-poingnantblog), I present you with this. What truly strikes me about this flawlessly presented video is not that Mr. Hasselhoff is flanked by angels and wiener dogs while on safari in Africa, nor is it that he glides like a gentle dove on wings of truth and beauty. No, it's that he, at one point in the video, shows mastery over the Phantom Zone, the reality-bending prison last seen in Superman II. I can only thus come to the conclusion that David Hasselhoff is the purest source of evil in this, our known universe. His will be done.

I never thought I'd say this, but that's all the shameless self-promotion and Hasselfhoff promotion I can do for one day. Anyway, be good everyone and always remember: I am a great worker and would make an excellent addition to Canongate Publishing and also, David Hasselhoff is my own personal Jesus. Huh, guess I was wrong.

Love,
$-0