Jesus II

I received this list in an email from the mythical creature roaming the UK known only as "BIG STEVE," and promptly proceeded to laugh so hartily that I ... well, I'm not going to lie to you ... I peed a little. Allow me to share the cause of this merry urinary accident with you. I'm not sure who wrote it, but I'm betting it was God, or some other minor deity ... possibly Thor.

It's a list extolling the "greatness" of the man, the myth, the fashion-savvy legend that is Chuck Norris. I never thought of myself as a Chuck Norris fan, but given these obviously irrefutable facts, I'm not sure that I won't start worshipping both his glory and merciless nature. Enjoy -

Facts About Chuck Norris

• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
• After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
• Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
• There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
• It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
• Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
• When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
• When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
  admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
• A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he>roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Can't get enough CHUCK? I know I can't! Go HERE and constantly refresh ... both the page and your soul.