Villainy Too!

About five months ago, I brought forth upon this world a list, the likes of which had, heretofore, never been set upon by the viewing eyes of humanity. I am referring, of course, to my list of underrated villains. In my humble opinion, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, I don't think there was ever such a comprehensive, five-item list of B-talent villains in all of human history. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but toot-toot. In fact, it changed the lives of so many people that I've decided to add to that universally renowned comprehensive list, four more entries (taking us to an even nine) in a little something I like to call:

The Underrated Villain Hall of Fame

November 2005 Inductees

1. Tokka

2. Rahzar

WHAT? - Surely you remember these two upstanding gentlemen from the second cinematic installment of the live-action adventures of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Not to be confused with a retarded monkey and that thing that Chet turns into at the end of Weird Science, Tokka and Rahzar were the result of mutagenic testing by the nefarious Shredder on two of nature's most fearsome creatures: a wolf and a ... snapping ... turtle. Ahem. Let's move on.

Why underrated? - Dubious raw materials aside, these two kicked ass and initially made short work of the ninja quartet. They were at first written off as Bebop and Rocksteady wannabes, but such was not the case, as they proved in battle! Their only flaw was inferior intellect, which was on par with a baby ... or a certain president (I bet nobody saw that one coming). In any event, these guys would toss around engines for fun ... and they tore old people in half (yeah, kiss that bitch goodbye, grandpa). Okay, I made that last part up, but Secret of the Ooze was for kids, so you can't expect them to show everything. For instance, I have it on good authority that Splinter used to drink heavily and become abusive on the set ... Secret of the Booze, indeed ... whew, wasn't sure I was going to get that one in there. Anyway, if memory serves, the only way that the turtles could beat the two monstrosities was to poison their eclairs ... or to shit in their cereal or something. In any event, this proved to be the undoing of Tokka "The Sinister Snappin' Turtle" and Rahzar, "The Wickedly Wilain' Wolfman," as it reverted them back to their true forms.

3. Nuclear-Man

WHAT? - I was reminded of this guy when I wrote my last post, and boy am I glad! This was (Gene Hackman as) Lex Luther's greatest scheme to date, creating his own superhero! Man, if I had the nickel for all the times I've attempted to do that with a bucket, some cardboard, the neighbor's "developmentally challenged" son and an oven. But I digress, this gilded-spandex-wearing, mullet-sporting beefcake dynamo was created from fatty tissue, bits of cloth, Superman's hair and THE VERY NUCLEAR WEAPONS THAT SUPERMAN ARDENTLY HOPED TO DESTROY IN THE SUN! OOOH, THE IRONY!!! He had super strength and the power of hotness ... aesthetically and temperat...ur...ally .... shut up! Coupled with these powers, he had really long nails, for some reason. Yup, the power of the sun and he can scratch your eyes out to boot. He also had Lex Luther's voice, as shown in a scene as incomprehensibly ridiculous as it was passionate. Finally, his name is wholly unpronounceable by George W. Bush (oh, that's two).

Why underrated? - Just because a guy has long nails and glittery attire doesn't mean he deserves disrespect. He did more to Superman than Zod and his goons did in Part II. Not only did he go toe-to-toe, nose-to-nose and bulge-to-bulge against Superman, but he scratched him!! I mean, that was out of nowhere, too. There Superman was, minding his own business, carrying the statue of Liberty when BAM, it's a few fingernails full of sun poisoning for you, Superbitch! Then, after punting him around like a football, he literally pounded Superman into the ground ... ON THE F-ING MOON! Eventually, he was beaten by being locked in an elevator ... sigh ... and then being thrown into a nuclear reactor, which, by the way, happens to be the only way you can kill me. Ah well, he gave it his Nuclear all ... and at least he had the decency to not wear briefs on the outside of his pants, opting instead for tight-fitting, gold-lamet hot pants, like any REAL man.

4. Soda Popinski

WHAT? - This one ... well ... this one's personal. If ever I were to have an arch-nemesis, Mr. Popinski would be it. He was something like the 8th fighter in Mike Tyson's Punch Out and was the quintessential Russian baddie, along the same lines as Ivan Drago, but bald ... and bi-curious. He was a bit watered-down since he was supposed to be drinking Vodka and not Soda, but that wasn't kid-friendly. But come on, neither is his pedophelia-indicative mustache, pixilated package or froo-froo-hued skin.

Why Underrated? - As I said above, this one's personal. Try as I might, I could never beat Soda Popinski ... never. Even a few years ago, when I picked the game up again, it was a massacre. Nobody else seemed to have a problem with him, but he proved to be, to me, as unto a cancer. He was quick, strong and his mocking laugh would dishearten my very soul, transforming me into a mere shell of what Little Mac represents. I felt as though I had let Doc down and as a result, died a little everyday. Look at him just standing there - an imposing pink impediment to my virtual glory. One day, Popinski ... you will fall by my hand instead of the reset button.

That should do it for right now. As I've said before, this will be a continuously updated list and shall be added to whenever I see fit. Once again, we salute you, underappreciated members of the underworld. May your days and ways of villainy always be remembered with a long, forgetful pause, sudden recognition and an eventual chuckle. To evil!

Love,

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