He's got the moves

I found an awesome new website that, for once, has nothing to do with muppet porn. The bad news is that it has everything to do with professional wrestling! Wow, I think I can actually hear people leaving the blog. I might get some hits for people searching for muppet porn, though.

Anyway, if you go to http://www.wrestlingencyclopedia.com/index.html, you will be bombarded with a bevvy of what the ancient Incans called "awesome." True to its name, this website is an encyclopedia of wrestling, but not necessarily in boring text! Oh no, no, this site has videos galore, whore!

I had about 40 to 42 liquid explosions when I found the section of the site devoted to finishing/special moves, which is arguably the second coolest part of professional wrestling, the first, of course, being the flashy, form-fitting outfits. I have taken the time to appease the latent wrestling fan in all of you by picking out my favorite moves from this list. Though I do suggest checking them all out, these were ones that really touched my heart and/or groin, without permission. Behold, then, some of the best moves in professional wrestling:

11. Sternness Clutch Alpha (by Jun Akiyama) - Ah, the Japonese and their crazy kill tactics.

10. Crossfire (by Jason Cross) - The human body should not be able to move this way without inducing violent vomitting.

9. Tiger Driver (by Excalibur) - The Tiger Driver is a pretty well-known move to both wrestling fans and tigers, but this one looks potentially life-thretening, which is why I chose to display its glory here. Also, the venue kind of looks like a training ground for the Foot Clan, which is, needless to say, rockin'.

8. 720 DDT (by Jody Fleish) - You know what increases the coolness of this move? The fact that he's wearing parachute pants and that his name is Jody. Only tough guys are named Jody - like Jody Foster.

7. Frog Splash (by Eddie Guerrero) - I loves me some frog splash-age, but this one is mostly in honor of the late, great Deadie Guerrero... too soon?

6. Muscle Buster (by Samoa Joe) - I've always been a fan of this move, not only because it looks sick, but because I bet it makes people fart. Also, Samoa Joe is one big, fat, Samoan (hence the name, smart guy) badass.

5. Go 2 Sleep (by Kenta) - It's an interesting name for a move, particularly because it obviously has less to do with "sleeping" than it does "kneeing someone in the chest." Thusly, I put it to you that the Japonese use this maneuver to put their children to sleep. And by that, I mean "kill them."

4. Spanish Fly (by SAT) - I am baffled by the sheer complexity and necessary organization of this move. I am also impressed by its name, for truly does it create in me a lust that I have heretofor never known.

3. Psycho Driver I and Psycho Driver II (by Super Dragon) - Not only do these moves look like they can potentially break you in half, but the originality of their distinction is without peer. Who needs two names when you could just make another move a sequel! Thus, the action formerly known as "kick" will now be referred to as "punch II." Also, I have to give this guy credit for not only his look, which appears to be a cross between a power ranger and that guy from Slipknot, but also for his name - Super Dragon. You don't get much bigger and cooler than that unless your name is something like ... I dunno ... MEGA-GOD, which is just ... the ... most ... brilliant ... idea ... I ... have ... EVER HAD!!

2. Canadian Destroyer (by Petey Williams) - Despite being Canadian (which is the third worst thing to be - the second being syphallitic and the first, of course, being from Maryland), Petey Williams does this awesome move, which I didn't quite "get" until the second or third viewing, like the Care Bears movie ... which I, being a hetersoxual male, have never seen ... roughly seven times.

1. The Spicy Drop (by Curry Man) - This is what I call the total package. This guy has a name that positively screams "HELLO WORLD ... I APPARENTLY ENJOY CURRY!" His look is just ... just ... unfathomably beautiful, if not magically delicious. I would like to note, if I may, the position that my new hero is in as the clip starts off - giving us an unfettered view of his prominent posterior. Note also his manly wiggle dance before completing the move. Finally, I have two words for you: Belly. Shirt. I'm just in an awe, the likes of which I have not experienced since first finding Jesus Christ. The frightening thing is that I'm not entirely sure that that isn't Dennix under that clever disguise.

Anyway, this site rocks and has thus far prevented me from doing any useful work today. I hope it does the same for you. There are other awesome things on the site that you should check out, like the wrestling terminology section, which is only cool if you're like me -> gay for wrestling. Also, he has a section of movies devoted to moves gone horribly wrong and this little video, proving once again that fire is no big deal after all. Anyway, enjoy today's $teventertainment!

Love,
MEGA-GOD